100 Best Things Ever Said by Men

Quotes from The 100 Best Things Ever Said By Men, collected by Mark Bricklin, Men’s Health Magazine, December 2001
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“Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.” – Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec

“There are two things no man will admit cannot do well- drive and make love.” – Stirling Moss

“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.” – Alexander Jablokov

“There are no rules here. We’re just trying to accomplish something.” – Thomas Edison

“God gave man both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams, on Clinton/Lewinsky

“Death be not proud.” – John Donne

“Dyin’ is a pain in the ass.” – Frank Sinatra

“If there’s anything in the world I hate, it’s leeches- filthy little devils!” – Humphrey Bogart, as Charlie Alnutt in The African Queen

“I will be so brief I have already finished.” – Salbador Dali, in world’s shortest speech

“Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens.” – Jimi Hendrix

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens.” – Michael Caine

“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.” – Emo Phillips

“No sane man will dance.” – Cicero

“I always turn to the sports page first. They record people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failure.” – Chief Justice Earl Warren

“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” – Robert Frost

“Assassins!” – Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra

“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” – Jay Leno

“This the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.” – T.S. Eliot

“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” – Winston Churchill, 1940

“Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” – Mao Tse Tung

“The ballot is stronger that the bullet.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Once integrity is lost, the rest is a piece of cake.” – Larry Hagman, as J.R. Ewing

“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” – Mark Twain

“Love your enemies.” – Jesus

“Love conquers all.” – Virgil

“I’ve had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that’s the record.” – poet Dylan Thomas, just before his death in 1953

“We were bastards. You have to be a bastard to make it, and that’s a fact. And The Beatles were the biggest bastards on earth.” – John Lennon, on the early days

“What God hath joined together no man ever shall put asunder. God will take care of that.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” – Albert Einstein

“We will go through the Hun like crap through a goose.” – George C. Scott, as Gen. George Patton in Patton

“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire

“If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.” – Vince Lombardi

“I heard and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” – Confucius

“Yippie-ky-yay, mother fu**er!” – Bruce Willis, as Detective John McClane in Die Hard

“I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.” – Walt Whitman

“Nyuck, nyuck!” – Curly Howard

“Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.” – Pablo Picasso

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal, as Mitch Robbins in City Slickers

Love and do what you will.” – St. Augustine

“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham

“Sometime they’ll give a war and nobody will come.” – Carl Sandburg

“Happiness is having large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.” – Aldous Huxley

“Your ignorance cramps my conversation.” – Anthony Hope

“Of course, [God] will forgive me. It’s his business.” – Heinrich Heine, on his deathbed

“We’re going to bomb them back into the Stone Age.” – Gen. Curtis Lemay, on North Vienam

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” – C.S. Lewis

“Oh, Goddam it, we forgot the silent prayer!” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face- forever.” – George Orwell

“Love is a sever mental disorder.” – Plato

“Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” – Groucho Marx

“The time is always right to do right.” – Nelson Mandela

“Is that your final answer?” – Regis Philbin

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.” – Homer Simpson

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s bad for you.” – Tommy Smothers

“In the fight between you and the world, back the world.” – Frank Kafka

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

“If you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and success of liberty.” – John F. Kennedy

“There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.” – Gen. George Armstrong Custer

“I ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong.” – Muhammad Ali

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante

“Everything flows and nothing stays.” – Heraclitus

“I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.” – Marilyn Manson

“We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anyone tell you any different!” – Kirt Vonnegut

“The gods too are fond of a joke.” – Aristotle

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.” – Leo Tolstoy

“I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.” – Socrates

” I never cared about acceptance as much as I cared about respect.” – Jackie Robinson

“The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyrs.” – Muhammad

“I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.” – Jonathan Winters

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“At 18 our convictions are hills from which we look; at 45 they are caves in which we hide.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” – Samuel Johnson

“If I have seen further than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton

“If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.” – Hal Abelson, MIT professor

“I write as a sow piddles.” – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” – Henny Youngman

“Rules are made for people who aren’t willing to make up their own.” – Chuck Yeager

“It is well that war is so terrible. We should grow too fond of it.” – Robert E. Lee

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“Hear me my chiefs. I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever.” – Chief Joseph

“If you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” – Woody Allen

“We’re lost but we’re making good time.” – Yogi Berra

“When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” – Richard Nixon

“It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” – Bill Clinton

“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.” – Nelson Algren

“I could eat alphabet soup and sh*t better lyrics.” – Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

“If I find 10000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed.” – Thomas Edison

“Greed works!” – Michael Douglas, as Gordon Gecko in Wall Street

“When turkeys mate they think of swans.” – Johnny Carson

“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.” – Howell Forgy, at Pearl Harbor

“Every woman should marry- and no man.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“There is a theory that states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote out attention to eating.” – Luciano Pavarotti

“Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music.” – Frank Zappa

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Let’s roll.” – Todd Beamer, a passenger on doomed Flight 93, as he and others moved to overcome the hijackers

As found in Men’s Health, December 2001. Compiled by Mark Bricklin