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York, McMaster and Western

A York, a McMaster and a Western student were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God is sitting on the great white throne. God addresses the York student first. “What do you believe in?” The York Student replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.” God thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses the McMaster student. “What do you believe in?” The McMaster student replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and everyone will die.” God thinks for a second and says “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then address the Western student. “What do you believe in?” The Western student replies “I believe you’re in my chair.”

Jack and Jill

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said:
“Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

Golf Tournament

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, ‘Naaahhh!’

Then they said to me ‘Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.’

Then I thought…

Fuck – I could win this!

* Thanks to Chad for this *

Vasoline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline  on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,  Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says  anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge  stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the  situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he  reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and  her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one  says a word.

He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”

True Friends

Are you tired of all those mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself.

To My Friend:
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I’ll know you finally got shagged.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, thick idiot.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want to catch it.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at you – clumsy fart!

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move house.
A really good friend will help you move a body.

Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.  I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”. He didn’t seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh. shit.”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

TheStar.com – Aeroplan’s loyalty goes only so far, readers find

This is my friend’s mother and father.   As from Michelle:

I share this story with you because I believe it’s important that everyone’s aware of the Aeroplan Policy; and because I’m incredibly proud that my Mom (Judi Landis) has fought the battle and won – she received her points credit (thanks to author Ellen Roseman, CIBC and not Aeroplan) earlier this week.”

You must fight for your rights and make sure that stupid policies in businesses are rectified.  Watch your points.  Defend your rights.

TheStar.com – Business – Aeroplan’s loyalty goes only so far, readers find.

April 18, 2009
Ellen Roseman

When Joel Landis died last August, he had collected more than 180,000 frequent-flyer points on his CIBC Aeroplan Visa card.

His widow, Judi, was hoping to take her grandchildren to Disney World a few months later.

She didn’t book the trip using his points, despite having his account number and password. “Wanting to do the right thing, I called Aeroplan to officially advise them of my husband’s death,” she says.

Joel’s account was shut down within 48 hours. She opened her own account and submitted a request in writing to have her husband’s points transferred to her.

Only then did she find out she would have to pay $1,897.06 to transfer the points.

“Aeroplan miles or rewards are personal and cannot be assigned, traded, willed or otherwise transferred,” the loyalty program’s terms and conditions say.

“However, reflecting its desire to express compassion, Aeroplan’s practice is to allow the transfer of miles.”

But compassion only goes so far. The transfer cost for surviving spouses of a deceased member is 1 cent a mile, plus a $30 administration fee (and GST).

Another Aeroplan member, a recent widower, thinks the policy is unfair.

“Most of the points we accumulated were through a joint CIBC Aerogold Visa account,” he says.

Since his wife was the primary cardholder, all the points were credited to her. But most of the charges were on his credit card, because he handled the accounts.

He called after her death and was told Aeroplan’s bereavement policy would restore the unused points to her account for a trip she was too sick to take.

When he asked to transfer the 60,000 points to his account, he was told there was a $600 charge.

“Excuse me? I said you have a `bereavement policy’ that protects her points, but that doesn’t extend to moving them to her widower’s account? I found this astounding.”

Judi Landis tried calling CIBC Visa to ask about restoring the points without a transfer cost.

“They had a hands-off approach,” she says, adding that the bank refused to intervene in a dispute with Aeroplan.

Still, I figured that CIBC had more “wiggle room” than Aeroplan in trying to keep a disgruntled customer happy.

CIBC competes fiercely with other credit-card issuers. Its Aerogold card, once the gold standard, is under pressure from other reward cards that are more flexible.

Aeroplan spokesperson JoAnne Hayes did not provide a comment, but deferred to Rob McLeod, spokesperson for CIBC Visa.

CIBC will work with the readers who contacted me to have their Aeroplan miles reinstated at no cost, McLeod said.

Landis wrote several times to Aeroplan’s chief executive Rupert Duschene. She never got a reply.

“When my husband died suddenly at age 62, we had just finished renovating the house. Everything was paid by credit card because we wanted to get the points,” she says.

“This is just an added bitter touch. For Aeroplan, loyalty only goes one way. It just doesn’t have a soul.”

Aeroplan should advise couples with two credit cards opening a single account to protect their assets in case one of them dies, she believes.

Even better, it should have a true bereavement plan.

“It would be reasonable to deduct a small portion of points or pay a flat fee of $135, as was the case for many years,” Landis says. “I should not be penalized for reporting my husband’s death, instead of surreptitiously using the points we jointly amassed.”

Write to onyourside@thestar.ca

Blondes

Two blondes from California were chatting.

One blonde asks another, “Which is further, New York … or the Moon?”

The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, Can you SEE New York?”

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