Last night on How I Met Your Mother, Barney told a ‘dirty’ joke that had Lily not see them for 4 weeks. Here is the joke:
What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.
Author: admin (Page 7 of 20)
Jeff Dahmer’s mother once visited him at home. As the day progressed, she mentioned that she didn’t like his friends.
He simply told her, “That’s okay, Ma, just eat the vegetables.”
This guy is brilliant.
XKCD - Want
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.
I vetted a few of these that were patently false, and added some additional info. If these aren’t true, let me know and I’ll remove them.
1.Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a bellybutton. (it was sewn up through several operations)
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
5. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
6. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
7. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
8. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
9. The average housefly lives for one month.
10. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
11. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
12. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
13. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
14. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
15. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
16. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
-If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist
-If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
-If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
-If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
-If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
-If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
-If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
-If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
-If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
-If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
-If you cry, you’re a wimp.
-If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
-If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
-If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
-If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
-If she asks you, it’s a favor.
-If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
-If you don’t, you’re a weirdo.
-If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re a sexist.
-If you don’t, you’re unromantic
-If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
-If you don’t, you’re a slob.
-If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
-If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
-If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re up on yourself.
-If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
-If she has a headache, she’s tired.
-If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
-If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.
-If you don’t, there must be someone else.
The following is the *OFFICIAL RULES OF ENGAGEMENT* for Tim Horton’s. Please feel free to pass them along so that we can make the world a better place.
1) When you enter a Tim Horton’s and see a line to one side of the restaurant that DOES NOT mean that you can start another line on the other side. *PENALTY: TOO MANY LINES.* People guilty of this infraction must buy coffee everyone in the original line.
2) If you cannot see the donut you want available in the display you CANNOT ask for it since the server will then go into the back and eventually return and tell you that – guess what – they don’t have it! *PENALTY: DELAY OF GAME.* People guilty of this infraction must return to the end of the line.
3) The Drive-Thru is for ordering coffee and donuts ONLY. If you need to order a sandwich or soup get out of your car and go inside you lazy slob! It takes too long and they’ll probably get your order wrong anyways so save some greenhouse emissions and remember – NO ORDERING FOOD IN THE DRIVE-THRU! *PENALTY: OVER ORDERING*. People guilty of this infraction will have their tires deflated on the spot.
4) Cleaning of the Hot Chocolate and Flavored Coffee machines is FORBIDDEN during times where there are actually customers in the store. What kind of business takes a product off-line in the middle of the day?! *PENALTY: UNNECESSARY CLEANLINESS*. Staff guilty of this infraction will be forced to eat hot, spicy food, then placed in restraints just out of the reach of a nice cool glass of water for a hour.
5) Placing the lids on the “to-go” cups so that the drink opening lines up with the crease in the cup is a crime against humanity since it has the same effect as gag dribble-cups. Plus, exactly how hard is it to miss that crease when placing the lid on anyways? Yet it seems to happen more than 50% of the time. *PENALTY: ILLEGAL LID ON THE CREASE.* Staff guilty of this must floss with barbed wire for a week.
6) Franchise owners who open up a store with a Drive-Thru that can’t handle at least ten cars in line are a traffic menace. Caffeine addiction is a scary thing that will cause people to stop dead on busy streets just to keep a position in line at the Drive-Thru. *PENALTY: INTERFERENCE*. Owners guilty of this infraction will be forced to order their meals via the empty Wendy’s Drive-Thru next door for a month.
7) Going on a coffee run to Tim’s for five or more people is a non-starter. Firstly, you’ll never remember what everyone ordered correctly. Secondly, you don’t have a hope in hell of carrying that stuff back out to your car. Lastly, it will take too long!!! That nice person behind you in line was under the impression that you were just going to order your coffee and go. BUT NO, you have to take 5-10 minutes of our lives while your botch the order then juggle the cups back to your vehicle. Get some backbone – force others to come with you. No more than two orders per person thank you! *PENALTY: OVER TWO MINUTE WARNING*. People guilty of this infraction will be forced to drink ALL of the coffee they have ordered and eat ALL the food. Doing this same infraction via the Drive-Thru = public flogging.
8) During Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win time all cups left unattended and unrolled for more than one minute are free game to anyone else. Since we know that all the really good prizes are only meant for people in Ontario we’ve only got a limited shot at anything decent so watch your cups! *PENALTY: INELIGIBLE ROLLER*. People guilty of this infraction must forfeit any prizes won past or present to the new roller.
9) Staff who fail to recognize that you are a creature of habit and order the same thing everyday for over a year at the same Tim Horton’s and still meet you with blank stares and an indifferent “What can I get you?” are inflicting an inhuman mental torture. Isn’t that what the commercials are all about? Where are the smiles and a hearty “The usual, Bob?” *PENALTY: INCOMPLETE RECOGNITION*. Staff guilty of this infraction must be subjected to proof of identity and a strip search every time they try to pick up their paycheck.
…and the final rule of engagement.
10) Showing up at you son/daughters hockey game with a coffee from another outlet than Tim Horton’s is VERBOTEN! What are you – some kind of troublemaker? Don’t you know the way we do things around here? *PENALTY: ILLEGAL COFFEE.* People guilty of this must clean the ice with their tongues between periods.
Hopefully if all of Canada buys into these rules we’ll have a safer, more productive society. Pass it on!!
- Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
- One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
- My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
- The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
- Amazing! You hang something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
- Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like “You know, sometimes I forget to eat!” Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
- A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.
- My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how would you like to go to the six o’clock class of vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said “Listen Witch…..do it and die.”
- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!
as originally found at: http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/4464/1227663902457.jpg