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Three Priests

February 13, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.” He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you.”

Powder in my Underwear

February 12, 2009 / / 0 Comments

One morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

“What the hell?” I said to myself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when I shook them out.

“Angie,” I hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

Angie shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle Grow.”

Little Patrick

February 11, 2009 / / 0 Comments

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!”

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

February 10, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!”

The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!”

The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it o ff with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?

Yikes!

February 9, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs … .”Honey, would you like some of this?”
“Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!”

A priest and a nun

February 9, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”

Cardiologist’s funeral

February 8, 2009 / / 0 Comments

One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, “Why are you laughing?”

“I was just thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied – “I’m a gynecologist ……… “

Work vs. Prison

February 7, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little bit more clear:

IN PRISON – you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK – you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON – you get three meals a day.
AT WORK – you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON – you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK – you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON – the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK – you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON – you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK – you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON – you get your own toilet.
AT WORK – you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat.

IN PRISON – they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK – you can’t even speak to your family.

IN PRISON – all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK – you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON – you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK – you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON – you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK – they are called managers.

Useful Work Phrases

February 5, 2009 / / 0 Comments

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I, flypaper for freaks?

8. I’m not being rude. You’re insignificant.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable . . . time to up my medication.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who, me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Nice hair

February 4, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice”?

The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the dwarf.”

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