I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it
-Groucho Marx
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde
My work is done, why wait?– Suicide note of Kodak founder George Eastman
Category: Quotes (Page 4 of 7)
‘no one goes there anymore; it’s too crowded’ – Yogi Berra
‘when you come to a fork in the road, take it’ – Yogi Berra
Calvin’s Quotes
That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness
isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning,
and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be
an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Calvin: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What’s misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games?
His Dad: Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the
planet.
~~~~~~~~~~
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.
~~~~~~~~~
The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real
application in life.
~~~~~~~~~
Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the
best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere
in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
~~~~~~~~~
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.
~~~~~~~~~
The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
~~~~~~~~
Calvin: Know what I pray for?
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what
I can’t, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~
I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to
seriously re-examine your life.
~~~~~~~
But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He
demands sacrifice!
~~~~~~~
It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.
~~~~~~~
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
~~~~~~~
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?
Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
~~~~~~~
If something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds,
then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.
~~~~~~~
Who wouldn’t be interested in everything we do?!
~~~~~~~
I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each
other’s dreams, we can play together all night.
~~~~~~~
As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
~~~~~~
This one’s tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen
…
~~~~~~
You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.
~~~~~~~
YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!
~~~~~~~
From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.
~~~~~~~
I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life
… Procrastinating and rationalizing.
~~~~~~~
Reality continues to ruin my life.
~~~~~~~
Calvin: Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my
thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
~~~~~~~
I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.
~~~~~~~
Is it a right to remain ignorant?
~~~~~~~
I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less
distraction.
~~~~~~~
Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in?
Calvin: Denial.
Miss Wormwood: I don’t suppose I can argue with that…
~~~~~~~
What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if
nobody ever asks to see ’em?
~~~~~~~
My life needs a rewind/erase button.
~~~~~~~
Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
~~~~~~~
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t
help.
~~~~~~~
I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a
cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really
comprehend the magnitude of it.
~~~~~~
Susie: You’d get a good grade without doing any work.
Calvin: So?
Susie: It’s wrong to get rewards you haven’t earned.
Calvin: I’ve never heard of anyone who couldn’t l
Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
— Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.
Leonardo da Vinci “Iron rusts from disuse; stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind.”
“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.” – George S. Patton, Jr
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” — W. C. Fields
“two worst things in life: to have what you want & to not have what you want” -Osacr Wilde ”
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
A computer without Microsoft is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
–Peter H. Salus, Ph.D.
One reason I love e-mail is that I love the carefully chosen word. But there also an immediacy to being online that’s great… You get your messages when you want to, not when someone calls… When you write a letter, it’s your stationery, your typeface, your stamp. But when it’s e-mail, your words come up on my screen — in the color I’ve chosen, in plain text, in the place where I’ve seen my most private thoughts. A lot of people talk about virtual sex online, but I find e-mail itself has an intimacy that’s very seductive.
— Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller
“I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone”
–Bjarne Stronstrup (originator of C++ programming language)
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
— Jackie Mason
Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
— Marilyn Monroe, after being served matzoball soup three meals in a row.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.
— Oscar Wilde
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
— Helen Rowland
Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
— Lenny Bruce
Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don’t want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad.– George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca.
Bite the wax tadpole.
— Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to “May the mouth rejoice”).
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
— Ad slogan “Pepsi comes alive” as initially translated into Chinese.
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” — Albert Einstein.
“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s through if you are a crook or a martyr.” — Will Rogers
Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.
— June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver
A woman, occasionally, is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
— Karl Kraus
“Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.”
— Scottish Proverb
“The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.”
— Woody Allen
“I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.”
— Spock,”This Side of Paradise”, stardate 3417.3
“The problem with the world is that everyone is few drinks behind.” – Humphery Bogart
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” – W.C. Fields
“I feel sorry for the people who don’t drink, when they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra
“You’re not a drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henny Youngman
“Drinking removes warts and wrinkles from women I look at.” – Jackie Gleason
“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
“Einstein’s Three Rules of Work:
1) Out of clutter find simplicity;
2) From discord find harmony;
3) In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”