I am getting much better at sex. Last night my girlfriend lost her place in her book twice. – Richard Wiseman
Tag: joke (Page 10 of 23)
|
|
Once again,
I was disqualified from my neighbourhood's "Best Decorated House" contest apparently due to my bad attitude!
Go figure! |
|||
|
|
This poor child can’t even afford a decent pair of jeans!
Thanks to Chad for these.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, and said,
“The curlers are on me.”
1. You used to buy cassette singles… and still have some stashed somewhere…
2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
5. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls (or your sister did).
6. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on Blossom
7. Two words: Hammer Pants
8. You watched “Fraggle Rock”.
9. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and spokey-dokies or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
10. You watched “Duck Tales” (Woo ooh!)
11. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
12. You (your sister, cousins) wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
13. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen…and still know the turtles names.
14. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
15. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
17. L.A. Gear….need I say more?
18. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all the other Judy Blume books.
19. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
20. You wanted to be a Goonie.
21. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us…head-to-toe)
22. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
23. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
24. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
25. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.
26. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
27. Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band.
28. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
29. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
30. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
31. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
32. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
33. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
34. You have ever played with a Skip-It or Elastix
35. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
36. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
37. Don’t worry, be happy
38. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
39. You wore socks scrunched down
40. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
41. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
42. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
43. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
44. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
45. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
46. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool…and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”
47. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.
48. You know all the words to Bon Jovi – SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
49. You just sang those words to yourself.
50. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
51. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
52. You remember when mullets were cool!
53. You had a mullet!
54. You still sing “We are the World”
55. You tight rolled your jeans.
56. You owned a bannana clip.
57. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”
58. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you!
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:
“She choked.”
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer? Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”