Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Tag: joke (Page 12 of 23)
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said:
“Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, ‘Naaahhh!’
Then they said to me ‘Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.’
Then I thought…
Fuck – I could win this!
* Thanks to Chad for this *
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”
Are you tired of all those mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself.
To My Friend:
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, I’ll know you finally got shagged.
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, thick idiot.
When you are sick, stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want to catch it.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at you – clumsy fart!
This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend!
P.S. A friend will help you move house.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”. He didn’t seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh. shit.”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch…
Two blondes from California were chatting.
One blonde asks another, “Which is further, New York … or the Moon?”
The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, Can you SEE New York?”
My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I’m able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.
Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn’t occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I’m currently trying to figure out why the $& board on which I’m working is not performing the way I designed it.
“Is this where you work?” she asked.
“At the moment,” I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the six-foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to face her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.
“I’ll be back for you at five,” she said.
“HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. “HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???”
“You’ll think of something,” she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. “You always do.”
“But suppose I have to go to the bathroom,” I countered.
“Don’t give me that,” she said. “I’ve seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom.”
“But…,” I tried to say.
“SHHH! The subject is closed. I’ll be back at five. Bye.”
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn’t surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I’m a military time weenie). “Three and a half hours,” I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend’s idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn’t the faintest idea.
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. “Gee, I just might make it through this after all,” I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the #%^*@! board on which I was working.
Murphey must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splender. “My life is over,” I thought. I still hadn’t thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.
Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.
Finally he spoke.
“What. The. HELL! Is. That??!” he said.
I don’t know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it. I’m even more amazed that Mr. Solderbrain actually bought it and didn’t fire me on the spot.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn’t know what it was yet. I didn’t even miss a beat.
“Grounding strap,” I said, and returned to work
The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…”
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,”
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her smiled and said…
“Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee..”