Tag: joke (Page 13 of 23)

IT’S TIME TO RE-EVALUATE OUR INVOLVEMENT

Every day there are news reports about more deaths.  Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.  Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.  Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.  Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have sporadic leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.  Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.  Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.  Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.  Why are we still there?

We can’t even secure the borders.  Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt, and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we cannot afford.  Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear…

WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender;

For example…

1 ) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in,  but you can see right through them.

2 ) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.   It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3 ) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over inflated.

4 ) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you  have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

5 ) Sponges — Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

6 ) Web Page — Female, because it’s always getting hit on.

7 ) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8 ) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9 ) Hammer — Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

10 ) Remote Control — Female…… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously
the answers are a joke;  but the questions were really asked.

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A:Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A:Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A:So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q:It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to Contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A:Let’s not touch this one.

Q:Are there any ATM’s(cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver,
Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A:What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA )
A:A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your
North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A:Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the
directions.

Q:Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.

Q:Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A:No, WE don’t stink.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A:Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male
population? (Italy)
A:Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q:Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A:Only at Thanksgiving.

Q:Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A:No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with
horns. (USA)
A:It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A:Yes, but you will have to learn it first

An American professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.

He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, so the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever even seen and now this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”.

The professor replies, “Chief, you’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence — what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look in that field over there”, the professor says, pointing. “All of the sheep are white except for that one black one there by the tree. Nature does this on occasion”.

The chief was thoughtfully silent for a moment, then says, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about the sheep and I won’t say anything more about the baby”.