Having Fun

Tag: joke (Page 14 of 23)

Trip to the Doctor

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor replies, “but never framed.”

“My closet or yours?”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
Man: ‘No, thanks.’
Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man: ‘OK, how much?’
Boy: ‘$250’

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‘Dark in here.’
Man: ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Boy: ‘$750’
Man: ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , ‘Grab your glove, let ‘s go outside and have a game of catch.’ The boy says, ‘I can’t , I sold my baseball and my glove.’

The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy: ‘$1,000’

The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again; you’re in my closet now.’

How I Met Your Mother Joke

Last night on How I Met Your Mother, Barney told a ‘dirty’ joke that had Lily not see them for 4 weeks. Here is the joke:

What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.

Inherited

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.

Men can’t win

-If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist

-If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

-If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

-If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

-If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

-If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

-If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

-If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

-If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.

-If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

-If you cry, you’re a wimp.

-If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

-If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.

-If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

-If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.

-If she asks you, it’s a favor.

-If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.

-If you don’t, you’re a weirdo.

-If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re a sexist.

-If you don’t, you’re unromantic

-If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.

-If you don’t, you’re a slob.

-If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.

-If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

-If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re up on yourself.

-If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

-If she has a headache, she’s tired.

-If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

-If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.

-If you don’t, there must be someone else.

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