Tag: joke (Page 5 of 23)

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit.  The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

____________________________________________________________________________________

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: ________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk’s costume.  The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. _________________________________________________________________________

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

__________________________________________________________________________ Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST.  Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

A selection of some very funny cartoons sent by the ever prolific Dan!

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*Marvin*

CREATIVE PUNS FOR “EDUCATED MINDS”

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse..

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

You think you have lived to be 60 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to pieces.

An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

Another good one from Dan.

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got back home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dances, clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a long moment, deep in serious thought.

Finally he looked up and said, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, they went to see the local veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel.  This would cool her down and make her relax.

The Vet told Stan and Aggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.  According to the Vet, this would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from over in Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet.  The Vet then said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

Stan and Aggie tried it that night with Stan waving the towel heroically and the young man having sex with Aggie.

Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

‘And that, me son, is how ya waves a friggin’ towel!

A Newfie stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’ The Newfie left.

A few days later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’ The Newfie left.

A week later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half .’ The Newfie left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that Newfie and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’ A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ‘So, where does that Darn Newfie go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,………. ‘Your house!