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Tag: joke (Page 6 of 23)

A Letter to Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard!

You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You really are a piece of work! You are the most hated ass-hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks a million for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch!

Tiger

Biology class

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking a mid-term exam.

The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk,’ worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always the right temperature. 4. It is inexpensive. 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the period, he wrote…

7. It comes in 2 cute containers.

Note: He got 70!

Golf

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, ‘Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.’

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth was agape. ‘That was beautiful,’ he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, ‘I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.’
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, ‘Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.’ The blonde frowned and said, ‘It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.’ She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, ‘I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If anyone of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.’

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, ‘Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.’

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ‘Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.’

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ‘That’s a gimme, sweetheart.’ The blonde smiled and said, ‘Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

New dictionary?

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

__________________________________

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!!

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

A Jack Daniels fishing story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait, right? So, knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was . . . . how do I release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released the snake back into the lake without incident and carried on fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth!

What Tiger Woods really wanted to say at his press conference …..

To my wife, I’m sorry. I fucked up but I’m not changing so you’ll either need to put up with this shit or I’ll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup….sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care….sorry. I don’t need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you’ll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10′ of the hole and drop putts that you couldn’t read in a million years. If that’s not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you’ve had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya’ll. I’m glad I don’t have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I’ve put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone’s been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I’m almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it’s going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That’s all I got today folks…..see you at Augusta !….Oh and Bambi, if you’re listening, I’ll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

A great comeback

Dan is very prolific with the jokes that he sends and it is MUCH appreciated. In this case, I think this might be autobiographical.

*A Great Comeback** *

A man was nude sunbathing on a beach in southern France.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walked past and said, snickering, “If you were a gentleman, you’d have lifted your hat.”

He raised an eyebrow and replied, “Your right. And if you weren’t so ugly, it would have lifted itself!”

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