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Tag: joke (Page 7 of 23)

Saints Tickets for Sale

FOR SALE :

Saints Tickets

I have 2 Saints season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife doesn’t want to attend any more of their games as she doesn’t like the person who sits in the seat next to us. I’ve attached a picture of the view from the seats. Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.

Current Bid: $4500 each

Why I Failed Fifth Grade

 

Thinking like a Canadian

A Canadian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by a Canadian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Molsons, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Molsons and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Molsons but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he’s from in Canada.

‘Thunder Bay’, he tells her.

‘So am I. What area?,’ she enquires.

‘Port Arthur,’ he replies.

‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’

‘Cameo Street’ he replies.

‘This is unbelievable……….’ she says, her voice quavering. ‘What number?’

‘Number 20’, he replies.

She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’

‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’

HE WHO DRINKS Canadian, THINKS Canadian!

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing a round of golf. The first one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize . “Please allow me to help. I’m a registered physio-therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me,” she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.

She persisted, however, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments.

‘How does that feel’? She asked.

He replied, “That feels great . . . . But I still think my thumb’s broken!”

Embarrassing Medical Exams

A man comes into the ER and yells . . .’ My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab !’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’. I instructed.. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘ Which one ?’. . . I asked. ‘The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it! ‘I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ‘How long have you been bedridden ?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .’ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘ It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . ..had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN no name


As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you ?’ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. ‘ No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .’ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name

Moral of the Story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, ‘My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.’

‘And what is the moral of that story?’ asked the teacher.

‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’

‘Very good,’ said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, ‘Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.’

‘That was a fine story Sarah.’

Michael, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes teacher. My daddy told me a story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way
Down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.’

‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?’

‘Don’t fuck with Aunty Sharon when she’s been drinking.’

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