Tag: joke (Page 8 of 23)
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (Several minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more ‘growing old question’ Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”
The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got the dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch and do as I do.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, “Ya, OK, you and the dog can come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a Seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua ?”
The woman said indignantly, “A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?”
JEWBILATION – Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED – Inability to remember one’s lines at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA – A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby’s diaper.
DISORIYENTA – When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS – The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA – A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL – Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP – To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR – What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
They complain about the RCMP, but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one.
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:
On a bitterly cold winter’s day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
“What’s the matter?” asked the Policeman.
“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.
“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”
“Can’t.”
“OK, Watch me and I will show you.”
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded . . . .”
A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel in High River for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, ‘Howdy, we’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.’
The clerk winked, ‘You want the Bridal’?
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
‘Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.’
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot
The doctor comes in.
“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably don’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay and you will walk again. However, something else happened. I’ll try to break this to you gently. The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans.
The doctor goes on, “You do have $9,000.00 in insurance compensation coming and we do have the technology to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And what’s the decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”
Ontario Judge makes unprecedented ruling – another case of truth being stranger than fiction…
TORONTO, ONTARIO (CP)
A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the centre of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references & confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!
98% of Canadians say “Oh shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Tillsonburg and they say “Hold my beer and watch this!”