Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked, was a shaved snatch !
Apparently I’m not welcome back at Swiss Chalet.
Tag: joke (Page 9 of 23)
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Man: Hey Doc. What’s the secret to a long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but that way the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality – like two boxers shaking hands before the fight starts!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let’s observe 2 minutes of silence.
It’s funny when people discuss love marriages vs. Arranged marriages.
It’s like asking someone if suicide is better than being murdered.
There is only ONE perfect child in the world, and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world, and every neighbour has it!
My wife and I always compromise – I admit I’m wrong – and she agrees with me.
Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first – pretty ladies firster!
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, preferably with the same person.
You’re getting old – when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Saving is the best thing – especially if your parents have done it for you.
Don’t feel bad – lots of people have no talent.
Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you can’t live without, but which ever you do, you’ll regret it later.
You can’t buy love – but you pay heavily for it.
Bad politicians get elected because good citizens don’t vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take.
You’d better give it to her
Or she’ll take it.
Regular naps prevent old age – especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent – having two or more makes you a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right – And the other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried but they still wanted cash.
A child’s greatest period of growth – Is the month right after you’ve bought new school uniforms.
Love this. I totally want to do this myself when I get a house, but he has some good reasons not to.
“The good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.
The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize it was fake until she climbed to the top [she was not happy].
She was one of many people who attempted to do that. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard to help the poor guy!”
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At the Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt (the manager) to finish serving a customer.
When Walt was finished Mary asked, ‘How much for that faucet?’
Walt replied, ‘That one’s pewter and it’ll cost you 300 dollars.’
‘My goodness that sure is a lot,’ Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, ‘Hey Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?’
Mary replied , ‘No, but I will for the faucet.’
And that, my friend, is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.
Here’s my concern:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar – Year of the Cow . . . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar – Year of the Bird . . . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar – Year of the Pig . . . . . . Swine flu.
Next year, Chinese calendar – Year of the Cock . . . . . ?
Anybody else worried?
I always said golf was a dangerous game…all this happened because Tiger picked up another birdie.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Tiger Woods apparantly is giving up pro golf. He was rumoured saying ‘My putting is still good, but I keep driving into the trees’
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.
“Tiger’s got a great Caddie, but it’s not enough to get him out of the rough on this one.”
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
What is Tiger’s least favorite wood? A tree!
Why did Elin Woods use the 9 iron to bust out the rear window? Because she hated the driver.
Comment by Tiger Wood’s neighbor on Elin’s behavior: “All I can say is that I ain’t seen anyone swing a club so hard after a running start since Happy Gilmore!”
poor Elin- I dont know how she putts, but its clear she can’t seem to hit the driver…
Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They said to named Elin Woods…”clubs you can beat Tiger with.”
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it, ” Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.”
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family–his new name?: Cheetah
What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common ?? They’re both clubbed by Norwegians !
Violence should have serious consequences,
and the punishment
should fit the crime.
The Arkansas Gas Chamber
Not a pretty way to die,
but
extremely effective.
Since this gas chamber
was pressed into service
violent crime in Arkansas
has dropped 90%.