Tag: sex (Page 4 of 6)
A man asks his doctor, “Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?”
The doctor replies, “Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger”
The man replies, “Tiger?”
The doctor explains, “Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women.”
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device…
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. ‘You impotent bastard,’ She screamed at him, ‘How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!’
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
‘I’ll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.’
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about ‘Oral Sex’
A. 3% liked the warmth.
B. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
*C. 93% appreciated the silence.*
Dan is very prolific with the jokes that he sends and it is MUCH appreciated. In this case, I think this might be autobiographical.
*A Great Comeback** *
A man was nude sunbathing on a beach in southern France.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, “If you were a gentleman, you’d have lifted your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “Your right. And if you weren’t so ugly, it would have lifted itself!”
FOR SALE :
Saints Tickets
I have 2 Saints season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife doesn’t want to attend any more of their games as she doesn’t like the person who sits in the seat next to us. I’ve attached a picture of the view from the seats. Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.
Current Bid: $4500 each
A Canadian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by a Canadian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Molsons, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Molsons and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Molsons but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in Canada.
‘Thunder Bay’, he tells her.
‘So am I. What area?,’ she enquires.
‘Port Arthur,’ he replies.
‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’
‘Cameo Street’ he replies.
‘This is unbelievable……….’ she says, her voice quavering. ‘What number?’
‘Number 20’, he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’
‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’
HE WHO DRINKS Canadian, THINKS Canadian!
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot
The doctor comes in.
“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably don’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay and you will walk again. However, something else happened. I’ll try to break this to you gently. The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans.
The doctor goes on, “You do have $9,000.00 in insurance compensation coming and we do have the technology to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And what’s the decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked, was a shaved snatch !
Apparently I’m not welcome back at Swiss Chalet.