Tag: sex (Page 5 of 6)

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

“She choked.”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer? Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.  It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She  replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline  on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,  Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says  anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge  stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the  situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he  reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and  her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one  says a word.

He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch…

My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I’m able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn’t occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I’m currently trying to figure out why the $& board on which I’m working is not performing the way I designed it.

“Is this where you work?” she asked.

“At the moment,” I replied.

I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the six-foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to face her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.

“I’ll be back for you at five,” she said.

“HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. “HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???”

“You’ll think of something,” she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. “You always do.”

“But suppose I have to go to the bathroom,” I countered.

“Don’t give me that,” she said. “I’ve seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom.”

“But…,” I tried to say.

“SHHH! The subject is closed. I’ll be back at five. Bye.”

She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn’t surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I’m a military time weenie). “Three and a half hours,” I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.

As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend’s idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn’t the faintest idea.

One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. “Gee, I just might make it through this after all,” I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the #%^*@! board on which I was working.

Murphey must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splender. “My life is over,” I thought. I still hadn’t thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.

Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally he spoke.

“What. The. HELL! Is. That??!” he said.

I don’t know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it. I’m even more amazed that Mr. Solderbrain actually bought it and didn’t fire me on the spot.

I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn’t know what it was yet. I didn’t even miss a beat.

“Grounding strap,” I said, and returned to work

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

Wow!  I didn’t know there were more than 1!!

xkcd – A Webcomic – Numerical Sex Positions.

Last night on How I Met Your Mother, Barney told a ‘dirty’ joke that had Lily not see them for 4 weeks. Here is the joke:

What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.