*The secret book*
Tag: women (Page 3 of 4)
Dan is very prolific with the jokes that he sends and it is MUCH appreciated. In this case, I think this might be autobiographical.
*A Great Comeback** *
A man was nude sunbathing on a beach in southern France.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, “If you were a gentleman, you’d have lifted your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “Your right. And if you weren’t so ugly, it would have lifted itself!”
A Canadian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by a Canadian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Molsons, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Molsons and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Molsons but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in Canada.
‘Thunder Bay’, he tells her.
‘So am I. What area?,’ she enquires.
‘Port Arthur,’ he replies.
‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’
‘Cameo Street’ he replies.
‘This is unbelievable……….’ she says, her voice quavering. ‘What number?’
‘Number 20’, he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’
‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’
HE WHO DRINKS Canadian, THINKS Canadian!
Two women were playing a round of golf. The first one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize . “Please allow me to help. I’m a registered physio-therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me,” she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.
She persisted, however, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments.
‘How does that feel’? She asked.
He replied, “That feels great . . . . But I still think my thumb’s broken!”
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked, was a shaved snatch !
Apparently I’m not welcome back at Swiss Chalet.
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At the Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt (the manager) to finish serving a customer.
When Walt was finished Mary asked, ‘How much for that faucet?’
Walt replied, ‘That one’s pewter and it’ll cost you 300 dollars.’
‘My goodness that sure is a lot,’ Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, ‘Hey Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?’
Mary replied , ‘No, but I will for the faucet.’
And that, my friend, is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.
“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger
“Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious.” – Max Kauffmann
“I wanna die with you Wendy on the streets tonight/In an everlasting kiss.” – Bruce Springsteen
“Love is the delusion that one woman is different from another.” – H.L. Mencken
“The best love affairs are those we never had.” – Norman Lindsay
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” – Woodrow Wyatt
“Lots of women go out with me just to further their careers – damn anthropologists!” – Emo Philips
“It is strange, the stages by which you realize you are too late – you have swallowed the hook.” – John Herman
“Love is a rose but you better not pick it/It only grows when it’s on the vine.” Neil Young
“Men play the game; women know the score.” – Roger Woddis
As found in Men’s Health, 2004
A GIRL’S PRAYER
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair, and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask, “How big’s my behind?”
One who’ll make love ’til my body’s a-twitching,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
A BOY’S PRAYER
Lord,
I pray for a lady with big tits.
Amen.