1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Tag: women (Page 4 of 4)
Two blondes from California were chatting.
One blonde asks another, “Which is further, New York … or the Moon?”
The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, Can you SEE New York?”
-If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist
-If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
-If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
-If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
-If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
-If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
-If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
-If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
-If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
-If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
-If you cry, you’re a wimp.
-If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
-If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
-If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
-If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
-If she asks you, it’s a favor.
-If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
-If you don’t, you’re a weirdo.
-If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re a sexist.
-If you don’t, you’re unromantic
-If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
-If you don’t, you’re a slob.
-If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
-If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
-If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re up on yourself.
-If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
-If she has a headache, she’s tired.
-If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
-If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.
-If you don’t, there must be someone else.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, “Look, it’s shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?”
He says, “Put it between your legs.”
She says, “What about the smell?”
He says, “Hold its nose.”
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead.” The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together… “Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.” Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs.”
A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, “You’ve got to hold the club like you hold your husband’s organ.” She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, “Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we’ll go for distance.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!”
The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!”
The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it o ff with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisco!”
Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife.”
“Your wife is named “Crisco?”
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we’re out in public.”
“Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?”
“Lard ass.”
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”